Modeling Joy
When my daughter Elizabeth was three, I remember watching a major awards show on TV. During the event, an actress took the stage to deliver her acceptance speech and expressed heartfelt gratitude to her mother. She spoke of how her mom had aspired to become an actress herself but selflessly set aside her dreams to support her daughter's pursuits instead. Initially, I found this maternal devotion deeply moving.
However, as I reflected on the story in the following days, I began to question whether such self-sacrifice was the message I wanted to convey to my own daughter.
What does it signify to our children when we martyr ourselves for their sake?
I reflected on the balance between parenting, personal goals, and selfhood, and what kind of example I wished to set for my daughter.
I realized I didn't want to lose my whole identity to motherhood.
The conventional notion that mothers must forfeit their identities to prove their love can lead to resentment. I wanted to redefine the concept of caregiving for my children. I consciously decided to pursue joy, purpose, and self-love, demonstrating to my daughter (and my son) that it's possible to care deeply for oneself and others simultaneously. Should she choose that path, I wanted her to understand that she could lead a fulfilling, joyful life while embracing motherhood.
This pivotal realization transformed my approach to parenting. I understood that being a good parent means being a whole person myself. Fast forward 23 years, during a conversation with my daughter, I shared how I've doubled down on prioritizing joy, ease, and hope in my life, especially since my cancer diagnosis a couple of years ago. She interrupted me and said,
"Mom, your embrace of joy is perhaps the most impactful thing you've ever done for me."
At first, I was taken aback, I had believed that my focus on adopting effective parenting techniques would define my success as a parent. What I realized by taking in her reflection, however, was that more than watching what I DID as a parent, she was observing how I WAS. In other words: Can I receive care? Can I nourish myself? Can I play? Can I trust? Can I embrace joy?
I am teaching her the value of joy by permitting myself to lead a joyful life. Joy is born of caring for others but it is also the result of caring for ourselves. They are not mutually exclusive and in fact must go hand in hand to fully realize.
Our children observe us closely, learning from our actions for better or worse. My choice to attend to my own well-being wasn't selfish; it was precisely what my child needed to flourish into her fullest self. What better gift can we offer our children, especially our daughters, than the understanding that the greatest gift we can give ourselves and our children is nurturing our own potential for flourishing?